Thursday, March 29, 2007

"Whore of the Core", or "How to disqualify pretty much everybody"

Now that my computer is up and "Kind of " running, I plan to get back to recording the antics of messengers and the like here in Portland.....

With that said, I will regale you with a first handed account of the "Whore of the Core" alleycat that went off last night.

Thrown by the infamous Beefa, a friend of mine for over 22 years, this alleycat started and ended at the Ash Street Saloon, at SW 2ND and SW Ash, downtown Portland, Oregon.

About 15 racers waited while Beefa sat at another bar, smoking cigarettes. Eventually he showed up, and announced we were waiting longer for R. Kelly to show up...

This became a tedious and tense situation. Numerous trips to the stoop went down.
A larger number of beers went down, attempts at calming the nerves of tense racers.

We all saw the bike thief, Jerry, leave early, staking himself out somewhere along the route. I decided that he would be easy to push out of my way, so the bike thief was not a factor in my race.

We were sent off with no rules, no explanation, no help. But Beefa did hold us up long enough to smoke another cigarette before saying go.

Seventeen stops lay ahead of me, and I quickly clicked off three of them in the core, then headed northwest for one.

There was a simple (seemingly) question to answer at each stop. I wrote down the answer to the Northwest stop, and then realized I had already made my first mistake.
One block from an earlier stop was a second one, which I had missed entirely.
I routed it into my return to the Ash Street, and moved up the hill into the SW, to 1201 SW 12Th.

There were three stops on the top side of downtown, which I hit quickly and efficiently. It was down the hill to 1000 SW Broadway, where I wrote down the answer to yet another question, and accidentally picked up what would change the entire rest of my race, Chaz.

He had started late, was a little freaked out, and got inside my head. One freaked out question after another as we rolled off a couple of blocks to another stop.

He wouldn't read his manifest. Every question he asked me, my answer was "Read your god damned manifest!".


He was so in my head I missed another stop by a half a block. The "bike thief", Jerry stole his bike. Right after I told him that Jerry was going to steal it.

I bombed off towards the south end of downtown, pulling off two stops before heading far, far south towards SW Bancroft.

Chaz was right on my heels, under the impression (and I may have put this idea in his head) that he was going to coast in with my answers.

My path through the south land involves many controversial moves,not limited to riding the wrong way through many stop signs, and construction zones where tickets cost twice as much.

There was a policewoman parked down there, and a out of control rookie behind me.
My only choice was to start riding like a mad man, and hope he got stopped while I moved on.

We saw Mason riding back from this stop, when we were mere blocks away.

This put me high in the rankings at that moment, being on track right behind Mason and R. Kelly. Except for two factors...

I had Chaz to not kill in traffic as he followed me. When rolling fast by yourself, caution can be thrown to the wind. But when you have a rookie behind you, it puts you in a position of responsibility, which slowed me down entirely.

I also had the stop he caused me to miss, to go back uphill too. I quickly got back to the courthouse stop, then down the hill for two more. During this time frame, I ditched Chaz.

It was a quick jaunt across to the first stop I missed, then hauling ass to the Ash Street to finish.

There was a large crowd on the sidewalk when I pulled up.


It turned out that all but two manifests had wrong answers, and Mason was declared the winner, with R. Kelly coming in second place.

A heated discussion, inspired by El Dupe, followed, as he wanted the $55 dollars himself due to technicalities.

This is an added note:

I wrote above about the heated discussion between Beefa, Mason, and R. Kelly.
This is still going on, having been slightly propegated by certain people, including yours truly........

We will never know what really went on that fateful evening.....

The things we do on the path to glory......
I digress...

I was patiently waiting to make sure that Mason spent a large percentage of his winnings on beer for everyone, as is the unwritten, but declared out loud at the start, rule for alleycats in this town.

The beer flowed, and I drank a couple. Much fun was had, and then a small train of us rolled off the the Polo Haus for more revelry, more beer, and bike polo.

My game was very on, scoring three goals in one game, then four in the next.
I made a sweet behind the back shot, from the opposite goal, that scored the fourth in a epic battle.

What is next on the agenda?

"Too Much Scotty", the Scott alleycat is going off on Saturday afternoon, March 31st.
It starts at 1:00 pm, at 511 NE 29th.....





This will be a moment of shining glory for me, as it will be a difficult, long, struggling race.

People will be dropping like flies, and I will overtake them one by one, securing myself a much needed Reload bag...

Then, with my entry secured into the "Warehouse Scramble" on Sunday, I will carry the strength of my Scotty win right on through to win it too....


Oh the Glory! Bask in my light!!!!!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You Did Not Show!!!
Scotty O.

Millionaire said...

Bwah! Dabby defeated by a mere rookie yet again.

Carl said...

Oh, don't give 'em shit, Scotty. It's probably somehow Chaz's fault that he didn't show.

Me? I was in Colorado. Otherwise, I'd have been there to lose in grand style, as usual...without anybody to blame.

Nice write-up, Dabby. Wish I'd made it.

the-dolomite said...

Dear Dabby,
I enjoyed your last post but would like to make 3 corrections:
The picture of Todd Danger was taken by me ... http://www.flickr.com/photos/rkelley/155683011/in/set-72157594147056770/
...see, they're the same. As I've said before if you're going to appropriate my photos at least give me credit. "photo by R. Kelley" would do.
Also "Rickreall" has two Ls and "wherewithal" is one word, no hyphens.