Saturday, July 28, 2007

What don't I do?

If only he could! A guest post by Jaden and Keenan.

A simple briefing of things dabby can't do.

#1 make sense of anything
#2 fart correctly
#3 decide whether he likes the predator movie or not
#4 jump a truck
#5 drive
#6 win speed scrabble
#7 screw a lid on lemonade
#8 take a reasonable amount of ice cream
#9 answer simple questions
#10 keep track of personal items.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Dear Dabby,

These are some questions asked of me, and the answer's I have for them.

They are from the PUMA site, but El Dupe liked them and said I should post them here also.

Do YOU have a question for Dear Dabby? Email him @

Dear Dabby,
I hear the Mercury is putting on an "alleycat". What's
your opinion on this?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

A. Pretendager

A. Pretendager,

In reality, this situation is worse than it even
seems. Fat Tire, the brewer, who is better at jumping
on bandwagon's than brewing beer, is throwing a number
of these across the country, Portland's being one.

There are some things that should be left alone. For
very good reason.
When corporations, and local rags (not even good
ones at that) start putting their noses deep into the
stink, and arrange event's that are so far out of
their element as to be effectively foreign to them, it
is the local cycling population that pays.

We are dealing with a cyclist/police problem
right now here in our fine city. With a huge increase
in ridership, the profiling of our small band of
messengers by the Portland Police is a constant. Yes,
in our town, messengers are carrying the brunt of the
ignorance of the 'Fixster"

We have a messenger here who has received at least 13
ticket's this spring and summer, from the same two


These range from legitimate stop sign violations, to
unconstitutional interpretation of loosely worded
braking ordinances.
Racing an alleycat in this town has become a sketchy
enough proposition, where one stop sign on your fixed
gear can cost upwards of 500 dollars in fines, or
in Portland speak about two week's work.

Now I have been approached by many sources, asked to
write articles about alleycats, schedules and info
on future races, etc.
And, besides my crazy ramblings on my stupid blog
, I have refused
every single offer. Yes, even the one's that have
offered to pay.

To see a local rag, that has already done irreparable
damage to the glowing reputations of Axles of Evil
bike polo, and the messenger's that our city relies on
daily, throwing a alleycat sickens me thoroughly.
It will do nothing more than to draw negative
attention to the one little slice of underground pie
that we still have.

And, don't get me wrong, hundreds will show up.
There will be a police presence. I do not even think
that the Mercury knows a "city wide race" is
considered illegal street racing, no different than
racing two rice burner's up Burnside. I do know they
can't get a city wide race permit, and they have
advertised it as a "City Wide Race", terminology that
will get you fined.

I can only hope that this is the beginning of a big
bite on the ass of civilian alleycats. If we are
lucky, this wound will get infected and cause long
term pain, possibly followed by a shot in the cheek
with a long, thick needle.

On a final note, when these "big wigs" {I have met
some of the Mercury staff, and they are not small
framed} jump onto the bandwagon, the supports will
surely break, depositing them firmly on the ground,
and back at square one, where they belong.

Bringing it 'round the Turkey and into your living

Dear Dabby,
Imagine an alleycat where it's Kevin Bacon from
Quicksilver vs. Kevin Costner from American Flyers vs.
Dave from Breaking Away. Who would win and why?



Dear Velocinophile,

Now this is a question that should have been posed
many moons ago.

In formulating the answer, I believe that we need to
cover a few key points about each of these men.

First Kevin Bacon. Hmmmm Bacon. Let me start by
saying I love bacon. I hope that my love for the
crispy meat does not heavily influence my answer.
While he appeared to have some sort of street smarts
in the movie, the reality is this:

He really did not even come close to beating L.
Fishburne in the epic "battle royale" between good and
evil. Yes, I know that Lawrence was killed by the drug
dealer in the middle of the race. But before that he
totally had Bacon beat.

Costner.... God damned Costner. If we review even
just a couple of his highlighted roles we can plainly
see is is no winner, and no thinker.
He had an aneurism during "American Flyer's". They
never even showed him finishing a race. He didn't even
really play much in "Bull Durham", and what does a
catcher really do anyway. And well, in the "Postman"
he was basically just a con man, preying on the
willing hearts of other's. On a final note, I have
friends who played the Russian's in "Flyer's", and
gained a little insight into the man through them.

This brings me to Dave. The original "Cutter". In
this film we can plainly see the length's he went to,
just to make a difference for himself. Everything
about this young lad screamed winner. As much as he
whined and suffered throughout this long film,
including drafting a truck magically in his small,
front chainring, he never gave in. Dreams of winning,
dreams of college, and, shared with me, dreams of
Italy, and racing with the legends there.

There is absolutely no question as to who would win.
As much as we love to hate them, and hate to love
them, the difficulty of living life as a "Cutter" will
pull Dave through to the end of the alleycat, possibly
even finishing right behind your's truly,

Dabby McCrashalot

Friday, July 20, 2007

24 hours, not 24 hour's and 12 minutes.....

So much going on here it is hard to write about it all, but I will try.

First off, the return of Dear Dabby. My buddies last year started an advice column, and told me I was answering questions that people sent in. I just kinda answer in a rambling , stream of conciousness sort of way, and do no editing. I leave that up to them. Let me know what you think, or better yet, send me a question.

Rickreall. Oh, the green, or brown, fields of Rickreall. the grass was cut, the orchards were free of nuts, but the house was full of them, as the 2007 Rickreall open went off without a hitch. Which is good, because we didn't have a trailer anyway.

Many groups rode down. Dee and Claire were there on thursday night, on the way to Yachat's to hang with Ann's parents.
I rode down with Mange and Beefa, at least to Newberg, were we had a little break down.
No, not mechanical, mental, as I guess mange's pace was too slow for Beefa, and he took it out on me. there was also some control issues, as Steve wanted us to blindly follow him across Oregon. When I confronted him about our route, he flipped out, and refused to tell me, leading me to believe he had no idea where he was going. And this turned out to be entirely true, as after he left us in Newberg, he became very lost.

Mange and I had a nice ride though, took the hilly way, through the gravel. We bitched and moaned, and arrived, after only one flat tire, an hour after Beefa.

People started rolling in from the countryside, and the revelry began. Friday night is generally a nicer, mellower evening, and this was the case again.
Ryan has a much more detailed account on his blog if your are interested.

I survived the 24 hour alleycat, with Gary as my partner, fairly intact. We were legitimately beaten by Hazel and Grizzlie Mike, who were illegitimately beaten by Drew and Lucky. They were 12 minutes late for the 24hour cutoff, and were disqualified. It was also well known that they had a team of people doing things for them, as well as research. I know I spent at least two hours, if not more, researching and answering questions for myself, taking away from precious riding time. I slept one mere hour by the way.

Not only is this a huge violation of the race rules, but also a violation of trust between racer's. A 2 man team is just that, 2 men. I recall a moment, a week later, sitting at the Alberta Street pub, when Drew stupidly announced that "this is Kate, and without her, we never would have won the 24 hour race!"

Strangely, I don't recall ever seeing her there........ Go figure!

They ended up getting the $666 dollars, but Karma will get them in the end. We can only hope.

What did I get for my efforts? A lackluster Pabst , which cost the loser's, I mean winner's, less than a dollar.

For now, I leave you with a few of the required pics from the 24 hours......

Monday, July 02, 2007

Time keeps on slippin' slippin'...into the future?

As I sit here at Stumptown, thinking back on the whirlwind of events leading up to this relaxing monday, Tim Mason's corrupting voice is in my left ear, and Tear's for Fear's is in my right.

The hustle and bustle of Stumptown appears to have dropped to about half since the big price hike. For a people watcher such as me, this is like having the sit and lie ordinance enforced right in front of the box I own seasons ticket to.

This aside, I have been involved in alot of things recently, many of which it takes a while to write up.

Look for my run down of the 24 hour Alleycat Damien threw. It will be long I warn you, as the race itself was.

I have done a couple of other races, some Mt. Biking trips, much polo.

This just in.
A person behind me says he writes for Willamette Week, and is pressing flesh with Tim Mason. of course Mason is sucking it up, while I interjected this.

" Please make sure that when referring to a track or fixed gear bike, you never use the term "No Brakes".

I pointed out the this is just a lie, and the term no brakes has done more bad then good, by far...

Here are some random photo's, I may add captions.

But I may not.