Thursday, July 26, 2007

Dear Dabby,

These are some questions asked of me, and the answer's I have for them.

They are from the PUMA site, but El Dupe liked them and said I should post them here also.

Do YOU have a question for Dear Dabby? Email him @

Dear Dabby,
I hear the Mercury is putting on an "alleycat". What's
your opinion on this?

Eagerly awaiting your reply,

A. Pretendager

A. Pretendager,

In reality, this situation is worse than it even
seems. Fat Tire, the brewer, who is better at jumping
on bandwagon's than brewing beer, is throwing a number
of these across the country, Portland's being one.

There are some things that should be left alone. For
very good reason.
When corporations, and local rags (not even good
ones at that) start putting their noses deep into the
stink, and arrange event's that are so far out of
their element as to be effectively foreign to them, it
is the local cycling population that pays.

We are dealing with a cyclist/police problem
right now here in our fine city. With a huge increase
in ridership, the profiling of our small band of
messengers by the Portland Police is a constant. Yes,
in our town, messengers are carrying the brunt of the
ignorance of the 'Fixster"

We have a messenger here who has received at least 13
ticket's this spring and summer, from the same two


These range from legitimate stop sign violations, to
unconstitutional interpretation of loosely worded
braking ordinances.
Racing an alleycat in this town has become a sketchy
enough proposition, where one stop sign on your fixed
gear can cost upwards of 500 dollars in fines, or
in Portland speak about two week's work.

Now I have been approached by many sources, asked to
write articles about alleycats, schedules and info
on future races, etc.
And, besides my crazy ramblings on my stupid blog
, I have refused
every single offer. Yes, even the one's that have
offered to pay.

To see a local rag, that has already done irreparable
damage to the glowing reputations of Axles of Evil
bike polo, and the messenger's that our city relies on
daily, throwing a alleycat sickens me thoroughly.
It will do nothing more than to draw negative
attention to the one little slice of underground pie
that we still have.

And, don't get me wrong, hundreds will show up.
There will be a police presence. I do not even think
that the Mercury knows a "city wide race" is
considered illegal street racing, no different than
racing two rice burner's up Burnside. I do know they
can't get a city wide race permit, and they have
advertised it as a "City Wide Race", terminology that
will get you fined.

I can only hope that this is the beginning of a big
bite on the ass of civilian alleycats. If we are
lucky, this wound will get infected and cause long
term pain, possibly followed by a shot in the cheek
with a long, thick needle.

On a final note, when these "big wigs" {I have met
some of the Mercury staff, and they are not small
framed} jump onto the bandwagon, the supports will
surely break, depositing them firmly on the ground,
and back at square one, where they belong.

Bringing it 'round the Turkey and into your living

Dear Dabby,
Imagine an alleycat where it's Kevin Bacon from
Quicksilver vs. Kevin Costner from American Flyers vs.
Dave from Breaking Away. Who would win and why?



Dear Velocinophile,

Now this is a question that should have been posed
many moons ago.

In formulating the answer, I believe that we need to
cover a few key points about each of these men.

First Kevin Bacon. Hmmmm Bacon. Let me start by
saying I love bacon. I hope that my love for the
crispy meat does not heavily influence my answer.
While he appeared to have some sort of street smarts
in the movie, the reality is this:

He really did not even come close to beating L.
Fishburne in the epic "battle royale" between good and
evil. Yes, I know that Lawrence was killed by the drug
dealer in the middle of the race. But before that he
totally had Bacon beat.

Costner.... God damned Costner. If we review even
just a couple of his highlighted roles we can plainly
see is is no winner, and no thinker.
He had an aneurism during "American Flyer's". They
never even showed him finishing a race. He didn't even
really play much in "Bull Durham", and what does a
catcher really do anyway. And well, in the "Postman"
he was basically just a con man, preying on the
willing hearts of other's. On a final note, I have
friends who played the Russian's in "Flyer's", and
gained a little insight into the man through them.

This brings me to Dave. The original "Cutter". In
this film we can plainly see the length's he went to,
just to make a difference for himself. Everything
about this young lad screamed winner. As much as he
whined and suffered throughout this long film,
including drafting a truck magically in his small,
front chainring, he never gave in. Dreams of winning,
dreams of college, and, shared with me, dreams of
Italy, and racing with the legends there.

There is absolutely no question as to who would win.
As much as we love to hate them, and hate to love
them, the difficulty of living life as a "Cutter" will
pull Dave through to the end of the alleycat, possibly
even finishing right behind your's truly,

Dabby McCrashalot


C@ssette said...

I tried to put this on the mercury page but it wouldn't let me.

All I wanted to really comment on was that I thought it was fucking asinine that the mercury would put on a bicycle race dubbed an "alleycat," and all I wanted was to give one of my favorite weeklies in the country a big 'Fuck you' for doing so. Those who know, I'm not going to explain my reasoning.

BUT- jesus, since I left Portland or since I got a larger view of the "bike scene" (via pittsburgh, philadelphia and New York) - this Internet vs Messenger argument is the most petty BULLSHIT I've read in quite some time. The last time I visited pdx, the majority of Portland messengers I worked with/ knew had 'retired' with all due time (or work in New York now!), and the scene seemed to be a whole lotta newbies. This is my favorite!:

"Dabby isn't a messenger anyway he is an unemployed hanger on with a blog..."
I hope this is Lucky making an awsome joke, if not, oh man-- that's even funnier.

Anyway even though I am still a rookie myself , and still feel new to this whole thing after a couple of years... I still know a race put on by non messengers is just a bike race and a race by messengers for messengers is an alleycat.. it's something in our community for our hearts. Being/ having been a courier is being part of a community that is hard thing to part from.

miss you guys.


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